One of my favorite movies of all time is Sabrina (while I've seen the original, I prefer the Harrison Ford and Julia Ormond version). First of all, I identify with Sabrina on so many levels. She dreamed furiously about a life that seemed out of reach and felt out of place in the world around her. She lived in the shadows of the family that her father worked for. And Sabrina was an insane romantic that lusted over the idea of the man who was her perfect match. Between the thick dark wavy hair, the vivid imagination, and the constant dreaming that went along with being a dramatic romantic, the movie may as well have been about me.
"For eight months, no longer than that, for a year, I sat at cafes and wrote nonsense in a journal. Then one day it wasn't nonsense anymore. I went on long walks by myself. I met myself in Paris." This is by far, one of my favorite quotes from the movie. Sabrina is talking to her mentor about her life and her answer is to open up and meet herself in Paris. This idea is so European - I have yet to come across many folks in the states who would give you this advice.
Lately I have been thinking really hard about the things that I have not accomplished in my life that I thought or wanted to have figured out by now. One of them is just having a life plan in place - where do I want to be in five years? Ten years? One of them is getting my body under control - eating healthy, exercising for my well being, not feeling so self conscious about my weight... When will this end? While I was on my honeymoon, I had a two week period where I went on long walks with my husband, explored beaches and the outdoors, ate whatever I wanted, lost eight pounds, and enjoyed every moment of it. I've started to think that my natural state is actually healthy, but that the stress that I put myself under in my job and my American life weighs me down and doesn't allow me to live the healthy life that I want. Maybe I just need to figure out how to recreate my European self in the states.
I had miraculously met myself in Spain, as a child (I lived there for four years). I had never felt so much like myself. It was like a light was lit up inside of me. A creativity that I had never known was found, a connection to a culture I didn't know that I was missing, and a true appreciation for life was learned. When my family moved back to the states, I had an incredibly difficult time. First, being a Latina in the American culture wasn't easy and, many times, I didn't even realize that that was a factor in my unhappiness and difficulties. In addition, I knew I loved life and knew myself in a way that was incompatible with my classmates in the states. Therefore, I adjusted. I started caring about the things that were important in the American culture and I started to hold myself to different standards that mattered in the states, and honestly were important for me to be successful in the future. This process, which occurred mostly during high school and college, led me to take high expectations both from my family, my environment and myself to another level.
While there were many expectations held by my family and, in particular, my grandmother, as well as the American culture around me, I believe that the extent to which I internalized those expectations and applied them myself were and are incredibly harsh. For example, if I get any constructive criticism, I take it very well, but then I put every single step, decision, choice after that under a microscope and wait, almost breathlessly, for acknowledgement that I am on the right track and doing positive things. This has got to stop. I have to let go and have faith in myself. I need to see the value in what I do, even if no one else reassures this. After all, if I don't believe in myself and the value of myself, who else will? My life cannot be focused on how I affect others but how true I stay to myself. I truly believe that this act will also make me happier. It is way more important for me to operate and complete things by my standards and by my personal principles than appeasing or meeting anyone else's standards. I need to trust myself and believe in my abilities, judgment, and self-worth.
So how do I get to a place where I feel good about my body, my work ethic, my accomplishments and still feel the balance that I do when I'm in Europe?
1) Not only pick out my 5 things that I am grateful for each day - but make sure that one of these is focused on myself (aka, give myself a pat on the back)
2) Celebrate accomplishments and completion of my items on my happiness project - everything should be a reason to party and enjoy myself
3) Just do it a little bit each day - exercise everyday, even if that just means a walk and pick one day a week to enjoy myself (within reason)
4) Make time to pause and be more introspective (ex. Spend time with friends and truly share my life with them)
5) Drink more wine - it brings out deep convos in me automatically (plus Europeans love their wine and I believe it is good for my emotional and physical well being)
Okay, it is a bit of a crazy week so I am going to sign off now, but not without a shout out to myself for making myself a mimosa last week to celebrate my great response to some tough feedback, taking it in stride, and sticking to my guns and just being authentically me in the face of adversity! Until next time!
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